So I have to be at work in...6 hours. But a triple shot latte and way too much curiosity has got me digging through old boyfriends journal entries, just checking up on them, I guess. I know my girlfriends have told me that they would do it too if they could read their ex's posts, or do on occassion...but I still feel weird for it. Like its some dirty secret. I don't know if my current boyfriend would be upset by it at all, he might I suppose... Anyway, this is not the point.

I don't really have one. But I wanted to write because I have many thoughts about their writing. There are two boys in specific, my last two failed relationships, that continually would state that I am beyond help basically, and I am a person that will never figure out their shit. They hope the best, but apparently it's hopeless. And contrary to their forecasts, I feel pretty darn good about where my life is. I've got a great relationship that feels secure on a level I had only dreamed about. I'm going to school for something I think I'm going to truly enjoy in the long run, that will only catapult me forward, in whatever I choose to pursue. I have a job that brings me satisfaction at the end of the day, even if only on a small level. And I know that I have loving friends, more than I ever thought I did, even though I don't see them nearly as often as I'd like. Why this is worth writing about is because whereas they thought I was hopeless, I wished them the best and envisioned them attaining it, and yet it seems the worst is unfolding. One has gained back the weight he had lost and kept off for years, and has also admitted to being an alcoholic... The other, who was seemingly doing really well for a while, has now spiraled back into a world of xanex and other swallowables, inhalables, and imbibables.

On one hand it makes me sad and want to reach out to them. Even though I do not love them anymore, I still care about their well being, as I would anyone I've come to know. Not that that would do a lick of good. And on the other hand it makes me kind of mad that they had such negative thoughts about me. Thats karma for ya... Whatever they projected on me was put on them for sure. So on the flip side I'd like to kick and scream and say look at this! Look at all the horrible things you had to say then, and look at us now. Me with a life that might not be perfect, but I'm diggin' it. And you, pushing away your problems, STILL, instead of facing them. Either push them onto someone else (me, in this example), or drown them in substances so they "don't exist." Workin like gangbusters.

Go forth and be brave. What the hell else is the point than to keep on going, realize that nothing is negative or positive it just is, and just be yourself, even if it is a whiny emo asshole or an insensitive coniving prick. WHATEVER. Get over yourself.